I’ve been quiet for a while. My silence was certainly unplanned; my goal on January 1st was to blog every day. But life happens.
In March, I discovered I was pregnant. My husband and I hadn’t planned this pregnancy, but we were overjoyed. The day after the two positive home pregnancy tests, I opted to take my daughter to her last dance lesson of the spring. She and I both picked up bronchitis there. (I do wish people would stay home when they are sick. No dance lesson or Sunday school lesson is worth making other people sick.) I went to the doctor, but my recovery took a while. Unbeknownst to me, sometime during my sickness, my baby died. I didn’t find out about the possible miscarriage–called a “missed miscarriage”–last week, and actually, it won’t be confirmed by my doctor until Thursday. But I feel certain the missing heartbeat isn’t the result of a dating error on my part (uh, I’m pretty organized, folks, and I keep a pretty accurate calendar), and I believe the symptoms I’m having now are the miscarriage finally taking place rather than a subchorionic hemorrhage, which I was previously diagnosed with.
I’m devastated. I’m depressed. I’m self-blaming. I’m also exhausted from sickness and this pregnancy. I can’t tell you when I’ll start blogging again. I’m sorting through old e-mails on my phone while watching old episodes of “Big Bang Theory” and “The Middle” and rewatching “Desperate Housewives.” I want badly to feel well enough to work on scanning and shredding some paperwork. Who am I kidding? I want to feel well enough to make dinner again, although I’m so thankful for the friends who have brought meals.
I wanted to let you know why I’m not posting, but thank you for allowing me to grieve a bit here. It may be a while before I post regularly. I thank you for your understanding in the meantime. I’ll be back. I just need some time.