I had a miscarriage.

I’ve been quiet for a while.  My silence was certainly unplanned; my goal on January 1st was to blog every day.  But life happens.

In March, I discovered I was pregnant.  My husband and I hadn’t planned this pregnancy, but we were overjoyed.  The day after the two positive home pregnancy tests, I opted to take my daughter to her last dance lesson of the spring.  She and I both picked up bronchitis there.  (I do wish people would stay home when they are sick.  No dance lesson or Sunday school lesson is worth making other people sick.)  I went to the doctor, but my recovery took a while.  Unbeknownst to me, sometime during my sickness, my baby died.  I didn’t find out about the possible miscarriage–called a “missed miscarriage”–last week, and actually, it won’t be confirmed by my doctor until Thursday.  But I feel certain the missing heartbeat isn’t the result of a dating error on my part (uh, I’m pretty organized, folks, and I keep a pretty accurate calendar), and I believe the symptoms I’m having now are the miscarriage finally taking place rather than a subchorionic hemorrhage, which I was previously diagnosed with.

I’m devastated.  I’m depressed.  I’m self-blaming.  I’m also exhausted from sickness and this pregnancy.  I can’t tell you when I’ll start blogging again.  I’m sorting through old e-mails on my phone while watching old episodes of “Big Bang Theory” and “The Middle” and rewatching “Desperate Housewives.”  I want badly to feel well enough to work on scanning and shredding some paperwork.  Who am I kidding?  I want to feel well enough to make dinner again, although I’m so thankful for the friends who have brought meals.

I wanted to let you know why I’m not posting, but thank you for allowing me to grieve a bit here.  It may be a while before I post regularly.  I thank you for your understanding in the meantime.  I’ll be back.  I just need some time.

Advertisements